A GIFT….OR…. A BURDEN? Part 1

What a thrilling time, you are off to the hospital to deliver your baby!   The next thing you know the Doctor is telling you that the sweet baby you just delivered has complications, a birth defect, a disease or an organ is not functioning.  Or maybe your 3 year old child behaves oddly, test are done and you find out your child has Autism!  You hear the words coming out of the Doctors mouth---but it is surreal!!!  You are filled with so many emotions---shock, disbelief, tears, fear, you blame yourself. You ask  "why is this happening to me?"  I say to you..I know how difficult and horrible this is, but I want to CONGRATULATE YOU…you are one of the few CHOSEN BY GOD to be given this gift.  A gift..are you kidding me? Yes I say gift!  While every parent knows their child is special, they make plans for the future of that child…dance lessons, sports, cheerleader, Duke, Carolina or State, will he/she be short or tall..all the things you think about when you have a child.  In a blink of the eye, these plans have now changed. 

This is my story….the Doctor informed us that our son Brantley was born with Hydrocephalus (water on the brain) and would be mentally handicapped.  At age 2 he was diagnosed with Autism-WOW 2 strikes against my poor Brantley!  This changed our plans for HIS future….would he be able to walk, talk, dress himself, read, be independent, make friends….would he even be able to go to school and some day graduate?  My Son Brantley will turn 27 on February 15th  and the answer to all those questions is now YES!   

I'm not saying it is easy, IT IS NOT.  Being a Parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world irregardless of your child's mental or physical state, but it is even HARDER with a handicapped child!  What made the difference for US….several things, but the most important was…..he was a Gift!   God must have thought my Husband and I were really special to give us Brantley.  Quite simply put, this is your child, your child needs your help to be the best that they can be, not sorrow and pity.  If you are selfish enough to wallow in sorrow and pity, then you can't help your Child and in turn, this Child will become a BURDEN, do not let this happen to you.  Please help your child be all that they can be---no they will not be normal, but they will thrive and you will be able to see and experience the JOY and BLESSINGS!

My Parents were both Deaf (sadly they have both passed away now) and because of their physical impairment they faced numerous obstacles in their life…..there is a reason God gave me these Parents!  My Mother was my greatest motivator in regards to Brantley. She would say "how do you know if he can or can't if you don't make him try"!  Her words proved to be my greatest inspiration in helping me to encourage Brantley to be the best he could be!  Living with Deaf parents as child, I was their connection to the outside world. This required a great deal of patience on my part and luckily, I learned that life skill at an early age because it later prepared me to be the Mother that Brantley needed.  There were numerous challenges with Brantley----one example was just trying to teach him to eat with a spoon instead of his hands!   My best advice is: repetition and more repetition….. patience and more patience…..DO NOT GIVE UP AND CAVE IN!!  Caving in is the easy way out for YOU….and it does not help your Child. You will learn their strengths, weaknesses and what they are interested in….use these as tools to teach them.

I have so many funny stories to tell, so just to give you a peek of some that I will be sharing, here are two:

As stated, my Parents were both Deaf so we communicated in Sign Language.  Brantley was 3 and I went to see my Parents for some TLC for myself.  When I walked in the door Mom could tell by the expression on my face that I was down, so she asked what was wrong. I explained that I was having a rough day with Brantley.   I signed to her "how did you raise 4 children, I'm having a tough time just raising 1 child"!  Mom looked at me and signed "it was easy, I didn't have to listen to any of you"!!!!  Hilarious!

Brantley was 6, we went to visit my Parents who were "Granny and Papa" to Brantley.  Upon entering the house, Brantley immediately went to the restroom.  He always used Granny and Papa's restroom because it was blue. He loved blue bathrooms. As a matter of fact, he LOVED TOILETS!  Brantley loved to take toilet paper, throw it in the toilet, flush, watch the water swirl around, then clap his hands and squeal with excitement!  Luckily he never put anything down the toilet except for toilet paper. It is an Autistic thing. Needless to say our water bill was ridiculous and we owned stock in Charmin!  Ok back to the story. Brantley came back into the living room, walked straight to Papa and tried to sign "where are your teeth?" Now Brantley could sign a little, but Daddy didn't quite understand what Brantley was trying to sign.  Now I'm thinking to myself, why is Brantley asking Daddy about his teeth?  I sign to Daddy "Brantley is asking about your teeth, do you have them in"?  He signs "I took my bottom teeth out because they were hurting".  I sign "where are your teeth"?  He signs "in a cup in the restroom".  I go to the restroom to check, you guessed it, no teeth in the cup!  I ask Brantley where are Papa's teeth and all I got was "Papa's teeth GONE", I tear up the restroom and bedroom looking for these teeth and all Brantley keeps saying is "Papa's teeth GONE!  It takes me 10 minutes of communicating (communication was still limited at this age) to finally figure out that Brantley flushed Papa's teeth down the toilet!  I proceed to put my hand as far as I can in the toilet to see if I can retrieve the teeth. No teeth.  It was a LONG WALK back to the living room, the whole time I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell Daddy that Brantley has flushed his teeth down the toiletI!  I tell Daddy, and that sweet man just said "oh don't worry about it, they were old teeth anyway!   Then Daddy suggests calling a plumber but he doesn't know one and neither do I, so he says to call my Brother Rusty (he's the oldest child and the Matriarch of the Family) so I get Rusty on the phone.  Of course I am in a panic about the situation…"you are not going to believe what Brantley has done, he has flushed Daddy's teeth down the toilet".  Rusty is now laughing so hard he cannot speak. Of course, I'm still in a panic and I do not think it is funny and so I hang up on him.  A few moments later Rusty calls back and says "I'm not calling a plumber to get Daddy's teeth out of a toilet to put back in his mouth, tell him we will get him a new set"!   A few days later, Daddy got a new set of teeth, and we NOW laugh about the whole ordeal!   I remind Rusty every so often that I can't wait until he gets older and has false teeth-FLUSH!!

Over the years Brantley has had 15 surgeries, there have been HARD times, times of JOY, times of LAUGHTER and soooo many BLESSINGS.  I have helpful resources, life experiences and SO many funny stories to share, which I will do in the next several blogs, so STAY TUNED

~Kay Stephenson